Have you ever asked someone "where the hell have you been?" and they say "out."

No explanation, no real eye contact, honestly... no actual respect for your concern. That's how I feel. I've been gone, clearly you noticed. I want to ignore your inquiries about "where I've been" and "what happened to my blog, blah blah blah". I want to be so teenage like in my response that you can feel the eye rolls through my page. I want to go to the fridge grab a snack I didn't pay for, stomp up the stairs and slam my door to a room I dont pay rent in.

That wasn't my life a teenager. I couldn't walk around stomping and grabbing snacks. My parents would never allow me to ignore their inquiries. Honestly, they still don't.
The interesting thing about the teenager is, their mind is so cluttered with new complex thought that they really don't know how to respond.

My mind was so cluttered with the complexities of life that I couldn't string my thoughts together on paper. I dont know if you know how that feels, so my immature mind defaults to... "I've been out"

Life. Life was happening. I'm so thankful for that. It would have been overwhelming for me to continue trying to give everyone a live play by play while I was experiencing life. I decided not to overwhelm myself. Self care. Where was I? I was making sure I didn't go off the rails and lose my mind. I think that's the less "teenage" response. Maybe that's what your teenager would say instead of "fine", "nothing", "out"... these one word responses they give are so loaded. There is so much more behind it. We become adults and decide we are to continue giving one word answers. We become so accustomed to one word answers we forget "how are you doing?" Is a question. A friend recently tweeted "How. ARE. You.?" I wanted to answer her so I wrote it down.

\t1. I have confirmed I had a mini stroke
\t2. My situation is a whole situation
\t3. We had to make a permanent decision for our daughter without her consent. It bothers me that she can't consent.
\t4. I'm an entrepreneur, all the stuff with that... where tf do I start.
\t5. I have so much to offer but so little to give
\t6. So many other things
\t
\t
There is so much to learn in my experiences and findings while I was "away". That is the sole reason I would like to share. Though there is literally a mosh pit of thoughts in my mind scrambling my brain I will pluck them one at a time. Maybe that is a good description for anxiety? Was this all anxiety? Maybe. Maybe not. Where does anxiety end and life begin?

Here it is!

I interviewed Amber aka @Vegangal2017 on Instagram. We met randomly during a focus group in my city and she mentioned being a vegan mom. I was immediately intrigued, I've been looking for the perfect person to pick their brain on the vegan issue (read my last blog). She gave me her Instagram ^^^ , I followed her and I loved the "home-y" feel I got from her posts. Every dish felt like something I could make. I find all too often pages with beautifully designed food straight out of a magazine that seemed completly out of reach for the home cook. I'm not only a home cook I'm a mom. I love to follow the straight out if the magazine moms but its just not me. I couldnt do it if I tried! Amber is a real mom, she doesn't appear to be putting on a show and shes sweet as vegan pie!!

I went into this interview, even tailoring the questions, with the expectation that Amber would have had the same experience as my own. To my surprise, and my delight, her experience was all her own. We are all unique individuals crashing through life experiencing things totally separate and together all at once. I find it amazing!

Check out our interview below...

Before my daughter was born Judah and I had our ideas on how we would raise her. We imagined what she would look like what activities we would do with her and, funny enough, I imagined her eating her favorite foods. Maybe this was because I love food and so many of my interactions revolve around when I'm eating. While imagining our daughter's favorite foods we started conversations on how she would eat, what she would eat and the things we wanted to encourage her to eat early on. We made a decision to keep Zazu vegan until her first birthday long before she was here. We did a lot of research. In my research I realized many babies don't eat meat before they are done with purees. This choice wouldn't be difficult. Once Zazu was here and started eating she was interested mostly in fruit and loves her veggies. She trully was not interested in meat and still isn't. It's no surprise because I was and still am the same way. Like mother, like daughter. Meat isn't very satisfying to me and I've never liked milk. It's nasty to me! I just plain don't like it and cheese *eye roll*... rarely have I chosen to eat it. When I shared my daughters dos and donts for her diet I couldnt have anticipated some of the reactions I received.

Tell "your truth" is passive aggressive.

I'm not a liar and when I remember something I have an incredible recall. I'm honest about things that are fuzzy or things I don't remember but when I know something I know it. I don't argue with people I just tell them to fact check me. I live by "let your yes be yes and your no, no." It's really quite simple for me.

I said what I said.

Its time to ditch the diapers and you know your tot is demonstrating ready behaviors. So how do I actually do it? How to step by step.

Shalom

I'm not big on the new year as a marker in itself for major change. I focus more on life seasons. Change is happening in my life. I felt the change start in November and it happened to be a period of reflection and evaluation for me as the year changed. My reflection period carried over 2018 until just this morning.

Why am I reflecting, what am I reflecting on? Relationships, finances, goals, motherhood, business endeavors, really everything. I have to evaluate where I am and where I want to be. I've accomplished many of my goals 2017. I have one goal that is nearly completed but it is a work in progress. It's time for new aspirations. I don't remain in the same place content on my previous goals so reflection is natural

I take my time during periods of reflection not allowing outside influences, rarely answering phone, text, email unless it's work/goal related. I'm glad I did that. I found that I had some negative feelings. I wasn't sure what about but I felt them. As I prayed, meditated and separated myself I found that I'd harbored negative feelings about unmatched efforts.

When I say I will do something I give my all. I try my absolute best. I know times I may fail however I'm satisfied with almost any result as long as I know I gave my best effort. I'm not the smartest, I'm not the typically the best at anything but I'm usually the hardest working. After serious contemplation I've come to the conclusion that my efforts are unmatched in most areas. Most being about 80 percent.
That is quite a bit when we consider relationships, friendships, partnerships etc should be 50/50. This really isn't an epiphany but rather a purge. If I'm drained and you're full something isn't right. This isn't about cutting people off, I need to recharge my battery. I don't need a break, I took one to reflect but I won't be draining myself.

I felt the urge to share because I typically volunteer myself for everything and that's just how I am. I appoint myself head hall monitor of every possible opportunity I can get my hands on. I've decided I want to create new goals and focus my energy on that while recharging.

I also feel like Im waiting, well I kind of am waiting fir something. Im waiting impatiently. Im tapping my foot for an opportunity that may not be for me. And tapping aimlessly is draining. Eventually your leg gets tired. Im not giving out like the little engine that couldnt. So...

Spiritual fullness is goal #1

The moves I make will be calculated

I encourage everyone to take some time and do what I did.

Ask yourself :

1. How do I feel? About everything. Take time to answer that question. I took 3 weeks.
2. Why do I feel that way?
3. How do I want to feel? Really, really take your time with this. This will shape your goals.

Now make that happen. You deserve to feel good.

Good day everyone. Positivity and love to you.

2017 is nearly over, we are days away from 2018! The years are going by faster and faster. At this point the years are flying by faster than I can count. My 10 year High School reunion is this year, wow!!

It's been a while since I've shared a fail because I've had so many of them haha!! This one was just too funny to keep to myself.

My Zazu is OBSESSED with fries! She loves potatoes in any form but especially the sliced, deep fried, and seasoned variant. Zazu and I are munching on fries from Big Smoke and these fries are gooooooooood. They're a bit hot so we're blowing them and chewing fast because why wait. Im chatting away to my husband Judah who is driving. I realize I've ate all my fries so naturally I need to eat Zazu's. Now Zazu usually likes sharing but not her fries (like mother like daughter). She seemed to be in a good mood though. I reached out my hand, continued to talk and look at my husband. I look down at my hand and quickly pop my cold fry? I chew once and spit it the hell out!

...what the F@#* did I just eat!!

It wasn't a fry! It was an unidentifiable white calcified peice of something I presume to have once been food? From her carseat? It was molded on the inside slightly salty with a hint of sweet and it had a bite at the end... I have never... like... I cant... I don't trust her anymore lol

Fail. I made the mistake of eating off of a toddler.

I made them now you dont have to...

If you haven't already please read 'Colorful' and ' Pregnancy Loss Awareness part I'